What issues in the home should be non-negotiable?

Any discussion just makes a child think the decision can still be changed because they confuse explanation with negotiation. Parents allow them to make this mistake when they assume that their child has not understood when in fact they are refusing to accept. Parents should only ever give one explanation of why they have made a decision combined with a statement that this decision is not negotiable. If the statement really is categorical then clearly it is also non-negotiable, and any further talk from parent turns what was a categorical statement into a negotiation. The entire myth of the "terrible teens" is based on this mistake.

Parents with "badly" behaved children use the word "no" a lot. They feel that their children get their own way far too much and win battles that they should not win, so their instinct is to say "no" almost as a matter of principal. But children should be shielded from unnecessary disappointments. Yes, they need to learn to accept disappointment but there are plenty of unavoidable ones to learn from. Parents do not 'spoil' children by saying "yes" or by giving them material things this, again, this is a well established myth. Childhood is very short, we want our children to be happy and there should be a very good reason for us to say "no" and disappoint them. The answer of choice for all parents should always be "yes". Whenever we can we should give our children what they want as long as it is under our terms - i.e. they are not coercing us - and it is in their best interest. Freely giving children what they want when there is not a good reason not to do so and when we know that they would accept "no" were we to say it does not "spoil" children.

It is only in very restricted areas that parents must disappoint their children. Only a few areas are non-negotiable. Once within one of these non-negotiable areas, apart from a clear statement of their position, parents should not attempt to argue their case. This is a very hard instruction to follow for many parents. It is often not the child that cannot accept the categorical but the parent that cannot accept that sometimes their child needs to decide to comply unwillingly. The only way to teach the child that the area is non-negotiable is not to negotiate not to talk about it. If the area is non-negotiable then there is, there can be, nothing more to say.

The 21st Century Mistake

There has never been a golden age where children all behaved well. Parents, just like politicians, do not learn from mistakes made by their forbears. If parental mistakes are cyclical, then the 21st Century mistake is almost certainly parental justification. Parents increasing get drawn into never-ending justifications for their decisions not realising that throughout history children have been expert at encouraging their parents to do just this. When parents allow this they are not being democratic they are being unfair since they hold out a hope that the continuing discussion means the youngster has a chance of getting their own way.

The parents cannot talk and expect the child to understand that the issue is non-negotiable. Parents need to restrict their response to a statement that the issue is non-negotiable and then categorically refuse to respond to any further comments that their children then make.

It can be useful to draw a circle and write inside it those areas of dispute where no discussion is going to be allowed; issues that the child should not have a say in and should not think they have a say in. The list of things that parents put inside their circle will be personal to them, but these lists usually look very much the same. Parents are always surprised how short the list is. In fact inside the parents' circles there are usually just four terms:

· Health - time of going to bed, eating appropriately, doctor and dentist decisions - harmful preoccupations

· Safety - decisions about what is dangerous, what the children play with, where they go, what they do, who they are with, the time they should return

· Education - application at school, homework (some parents will want to include religious education)

· Social Skills - politeness/rudeness - interactions with parents/siblings/ peers - mealtime behaviour

(Some parents include Housework (often token) and help around the house, but this is optional. "Clearing up after yourself" and "helping out" are important but are probably best included under politeness in the area of social skills)

There is word that I now always ask parents to include under the Social Skills heading. In the early days of my work I wondered if it was really still relevant for modern families. I soon realised that this word was actually so crucial to every interaction with Mercury's Child that it should never be allowed to occur without a comment or sanction from the parent. I have devoted all of Chapter 14 to it - the word is "Rudeness".

Just these four areas are non-negotiable. Parents need to be absolutely clear which decisions are off-limits for discussion. They need to give reasons clearly and say they are not going to discuss them further; discussion will not help the child to accept those reasons. Parents must completely put out of mind all thought of repeatedly explaining or trying to persuade. Youngsters need a choice between following the instruction and a practical sanction or consequence if they refuse. No Mercurian child, in the middle of fighting for what he or she wants, will ever be persuaded of the importance of the words in your circle. Parents will just be holding out false hope of a possible compromise and rewarding with attention whenever they attempt to persuade.