Of course all parents know from the beginning that their child is from an alien world. Nothing is as alien as a new baby to new parents. The difference is so clear that it often causes no problems and the parents usually fall hopelessly in love with the tiny new life form. Without ever seeing their new child they set off on the nine-month return journey to bring the child from Mercury to Earth. The journey involves great hardship and discomfort, but the growing need to save and protect the tiny Mercurian creature drives them both. The life-form is collected and landed safely back on Earth with much joy. The couple are not disappointed but rather amazed by the life-form's strangeness and by how much work and how much tiredness the tiny creature creates.

At first it is easy for them to remember that the tiny being is not at all like them and came from a completely different planet. The creature is so clearly different. It does not talk, but makes noise to communicate its basic needs. Its parents realise their job, if the life-form is to survive, is to provide for these needs. Mercury's baby is a natural dictator-its survival depends on it-and its new parents become its willing slaves.

The life-form's behaviour is seen to be natural. It is clear that this new being has no conception of the adult earth-world and how things function. It cannot speak so cannot ask politely. If it wants something, and at this age it is overwhelmed by the strength of its needs, it has only one method-to demand. This is the first, the primary, state of the relationship between the Mercurian baby and its parents. It is quite natural and quite healthy and, like a light-switch, has only two positions:

"I feel good,"

and,
"I do not feel good - I demand - notice me - make me feel better!"

Leave Primary Mode Behaviour Behind

Primary Mode behaviour is perfectly healthy and natural for the Mercurian baby, but parents need to gradually train Mercury's child to leave it behind and become an Earth being. Primary Mode behaviour in an older child is very unpleasant to live with, but if we are honest it is not really "bad behaviour"; it is merely a very effective means of getting what they think they need. It will survive without adequate training or resurface during unsettled times when parents loose control of their interactions with the child.

If all memory of the child coming from another planet is lost the problems start. The parents begin to mistakenly assume that the Mercury's child has, or should have, the same way of looking at the world as they do. Earth parents understand that the child has to learn to become an Earth adult, but think this knowledge is gained along with the Earth language. They do not realise that the creature from Mercury still retains his original Primary Mercurian view of the world and that view has to be trained away. Parents need to remember that Mercurian behaviour for a baby is instinctive survival behaviour, which works because it has to work. Toddlers have no mechanism for knowing when demanding is no longer needed. They will only leave it behind when it stops working, and if it continues to work they continue the behaviour. Mercury's child has no power to control whether this behaviour is effective; only parents can stop Primary Mode behaviour from working.

The confusion begins when the Mercury's child starts to learn to speak Earth language. The Mercurian way is to demand, and the child needs to be shown by continuous example that asking works but demanding does not. The often-heard entreaty to the toddler, "Say please" is no mere sweet old-fashioned tradition. The parent puts something in between the demand and its supply, the request and its gratification. Here should begin the mantra that parents should hold onto well into the child's teens.

Give them what they want but under your terms.

This is crucial if the child is to leave behind its Primary Mode "demand" behaviour. "Please" and "thank you" mean we insist that a calm non-aggressive action has to be performed before the need is met. Children do not learn to behave reasonably because it is natural or logical it is not learnt instinctively. It has to be taught practically, by gently using negative and positive outcomes. Even when youngsters understand what is required they will not use this behaviour if alternative behaviour is more effective at giving them what they want. We laugh at the ease with which TV and screen comedians create comic teenagers who nullify all attempts at logical argument and reasonableness. It is impossible to get Mercury's child to behave reasonably using only reason. It may well be useful for them to know your reasoned arguments but these will not, however many times you repeat them, produce a reasonable child. Badly behaved children/teenagers are practical beings and they are only ever interested in outcomes. Rarely does "bad" behaviour stem from lack of understanding it is not that they don't get the instruction or the logic just that it doesn't serve their purpose. Older children often understand logical arguments extremely well; hence their ability to quickly pounce on any inconsistency in their parents position. They are equally capable of seeing the absurdity in their own position but they cannot admit it without losing the outcome they want. So, they bluster on knowing that feigned indignation and never giving up will often work. They are only really influenced by what actually ends up happening - in other words, consequences. They will not let "reasons" stop them from getting what they want.

Ineffective Talk

Look at this list of behaviour problems that parents have told me about in just the past few months. The first comment is about a child of two, and the last is about a child of fifteen-with all the ages in between.

"He nags for hours over anything. He hits me and always says No!"

"She flatly refuses to do anything I say. She just refuses to stay in her bed at night."

"My four-year-old is being very rude and sarcastic towards us…lashes out."

"When asked to do a task, he will only do it if he wants to…screams, throws things."

"My daughter, six, refuses when told…had to leave play centre for hitting the teacher."

"My daughter, seven, interrupts the teacher when told to stop…screams and hits."

"He is rude and cheeky, says hurtful things, punches me in passing."

"He does nothing asked of him. He steals whatever I will not provide for him."

"My nine-year-old is constantly defiant, compares everything I do with her to her sister."

"He back-talks at me all the time. He screams and throws things."

"Parenting my 11-year-old is like working with a politician. He punches holes in walls."

"She throws really nasty tantrums, then (when asked) cannot remember why"

"He is 13, smokes, continues to ignore rules and requests. He has low self-esteem."

"My 14-year-old is verbally abusive and at times physically aggressive."

"We have stayed off his back like he has asked, but at 15 do we allow him to ruin his life?"

Now look at the highlighted words and you will begin to see that the real problem for parents is not with their children's behaviour, i.e. what they do, but with the negotiations about what they do - in other words, the

· nagging
· refusing
· sarcasm
· asking
· telling
· interrupting
· rudeness
· comparing
· back-talking
· ignoring
· verbal abuse

If the vast majority of the interactions between parents and their children are language based and if all "bad behaviour" is interactive then ineffective talk lies at the heart of all "bad behaviour". Therefore it is only if we can control these spoken interactions, or more precisely the outcomes of these interactions that we can control the behaviour. When I ask parents what is the key behaviour they want to change they invariably talk about their child's lack of "respect". As parents we foolishly think that our children will accept our leadership in the home because we have greater maturity; experience and knowledge but our leadership is solely based on outcomes, on whether or not they end up getting their own way with or without our blessing.

What we feel should be our strongest attributes during our spoken interactions with a badly behaved child are in fact our biggest weaknesses. Mercury's Child does not change behaviour because of maturity or logic or reason. Life-forms everywhere survive by controlling consequences. Mercury's Children are no different; for them there is only one priority: to get the outcome they want. Coming to Earth and learning how to talk does not change this. If they discover that a particular action brings them what they want they repeat it. This means that we cannot change them through the use of reason but only by the very careful control of outcomes, by giving them predictable consequences. They will never be persuaded that what they want to do at this minute is not in their long-term best interest. They will never accept that they should not want to do it. Earth parents think that if they can find the right words they will be able to persuade Mercury's Child of the greater maturity of their view and that once this is accepted the child will modify his or her behaviour. In reality acceptance of a more mature view can only occur after the child has already learnt that for practical reasons inappropriate behaviour does not work for them. Where they have already accepted the need for their parents to agree about the rewards they seek. We can give them all the mature arguments in the world but they will still pursue their own inappropriate goals if they can achieve them without parental agreement.

Parents have tried asking them, reasoning with them, nagging them, telling them and shouting at them, only to be met with ignoring, interrupting, rudeness, back-talking, and even louder shouting. But parents rarely give up all this talk no matter how ineffective it is, and keep talking even while attempting to sanction. No of this talking works, and the children never change. When I talk to audiences of parents of seriously misbehaving children I often ask them if they continue with their verbal battles because they want to hear their child say:

"Oh, yes I see, Dad or Mum, what you are trying to tell me. You want me to do do so and so…. I'm so sorry I did not understand you before, but I now see what you mean! Of course I will do it now."

I say this and the response is always the same. The parents laugh. It is laughable. There is no way that their children are ever going to say this. Children never ever say this in years of these interactions and the laughter shows that the parents know it. We all know deep down that this is never going to happen. So, why do we keep trying? Do we really think the reason our child does not accept what we are saying is that they need us to explain just that little bit better? Do we really think that, miraculously, the hundredth time it will sink in? Do we really think the problem is in our ability to explain? We must know it is not. The problem is that we are trying to do something completely impossible. We are trying to resolve these disputes democratically.